You Can't Please Everyone
by Polaris'05
Summary: If you want universal popularity, you have to follow all the rules... This is not a self-insert. Nor is it choose-your-own, romance, OC, slash, AU, OOC, or generic in any way. Which leaves... well, you'll see. Oneshot of a humorous nature.


_A/N: Heh heh... sorry, this popped into my head and I couldn't resist. I've never written anything quite this risky before, but an author has to push her limits every now and then. Who wants to play it safe forever? Certainly not the turtles... Anyway, this is me going out on a limb. If you squint, you might see the point I'm trying to make... LOL._

_We've all faced criticism before, some of it not constructive. This is dedicated to all you authors who've had to deal with unfriendly reviewers. _

_If you are one of those authors, I sincerely hope you enjoy. =D Even if you HAVEN'T had to worry about making everyone happy, I hope you like it anyway. It sure amused ME. _

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**You Can't Please Everyone**

Michelangelo was _bored_.

As in, _really_ bored.

It was just another day, exactly the same as the one before, which had been the same as the one before, which had been just like the entire last week's worth of days, which really, when it came down to it, was just like every other one.

It was getting old.

"Guys, I wanna _do_ something!" he complained, flopping down on the couch in the middle of the Lair where the rest of his brothers were already sitting. He wasn't the only one getting impatient. Raph was toying with his sai, resisting the urge to throw it across the room just to see if it would stick in the wall like it did in the movies.

"You'll just have to wait, Mikey," Leo sighed, putting down his book. Not that he would admit it, but he was getting pretty bored himself.

"What is _takin'_ so long?" Raph growled, not helping the situation. Beside him, Donatello set down his coffee cup – empty again.

"Writing a story isn't as easy as it sounds, Raph," he explained patiently. "There's all kinds of rules for the author if you want to please _everyone_. You know? It's hard to make everyone happy, so be patient. It'll save you from bad comments later."

"Screw makin' everyone happy!" Raph snapped. He stuffed his sai back into his belt and stood up. "Let's just go kick Shredder's butt! Dat always seems t' please people."

Leo motioned for him to sit down, leaning back on the sofa. It was a tempting proposition, but- "We've kicked Shredder's butt about a thousand times, Raph. People want to read something _original_."

"Kick Bishop's butt?" Raph offered hopefully.

Leo smiled but shook his head. "It's been done already."

"But, there's _hundreds_ of stories on here!" Raph complained. "And that's just _this _website. _Nothing's_ gonna be completely original by now!"

"Donny could go evil and start killing everyone," Mikey suggested, sticking his tongue out at his genius older brother.

Donny snorted. "Yeah, like anyone would believe _that_," he pointed out. "Anyway, we can't. It's too out of character for me… and some people don't approve of OOC-ness. At least not to _that_ degree. We're trying to find something _everyone _will like. And it's been done before."

"Ok, so _Raph_ could go evil-"

"More believable, but still not quite," Leo grinned. "Besides, I think _that's_ been done before."

"Ok, how about if we pretend like Donny's little ugly future thing had really happened and-"

"No, Mikey," Leo interrupted. "Donny's "little ugly future thing" _didn't_ really happen. That would become an alternate universe, and some people don't like those. Besides, I think _that's_ been done before, too!"

"But I'm _booooored_! Can't the author just write in some _new_ villain for us to fight? If it's an original one, it couldn't have been done exactly the same way before!" Mikey suggested. He, Raph, and Leo all looked up hopefully at that, but Donny shook his head.

"No, some people don't like to read about original characters. That means we're stuck with the same old villains we've always fought. Sorry, Mikey."

The youngest turtle threw his hands up in the air. "How are we supposed to have an _original_ plot if we have to use the _same_ characters that have been here since the beginning of _forever_?!"

The others laughed, but didn't answer. Truth was, Mikey kind of had a point…

"Ooooh, I know! I know!" the orange banded turtle bounced up and down on the couch, waving his hand in the air. "How about if one of us falls in love?"

Raph grunted in disgust. "Fall in love? Forget it! I don't wanna read no stupid romance. That's girly stuff."

Leo laughed outright at that, shaking his head. "Raph, I don't know how to break this to you, but the majority of writers on this website _are_ girls. Have you really not noticed that? I'd be careful with what you say about "girly stuff" because those girls can write you into one heck of a nasty corner if you make them mad. Girls are vicious."

"Yeah, but Raph has a point," Donny mentioned. "Not everyone wants to read about a romance. Besides, there's not really any girls in our life other than April, and I have to think Casey would take issue with one of us falling in love with her."

"Ok," Mikey pressed on. "So the author can write a _new _girl_-"_

"No, she can't. Remember the "no original characters" rule... there's no one left to have a romance _with_."

"No one but us turtles," Mikey pointed out slyly. He scooted closer to Leo on the couch and put his arm around him. "I've got dibs on Leo!"

The Lair was suddenly filled with a swift and awkward silence as all three turtles stared at Mikey. Leo's eyes were practically popping out of his head, and he seemed to have lost the ability to speak. Mikey noticed the horrified expressions directed at him and quickly let go of his oldest brother, backing away and holding his hands up.

"What the shell, dudes? I'm _joking_! It was just a _joke_!"

"We…are…_NOT_…writing slash!" Leo hissed. "I _draw_ the line! Besides, _lots_ of people don't like that, _AND_ it's been _done before_!"

"I have a great idea," Raph said, still glaring at the youngest. "Why don't we kill Mikey? We haven't done _that _in a while."

"Can't," Donny piped up, though at the moment it _was_ pretty tempting. "Deathfics are a no go. Some people don't like those, and won't even read them. Geez, the author writing _this_ doesn't even really like those. So killing Mikey's out… besides, that would be pretty out of character for us, and remember, we can't do that."

"Geez, dudes, I was really just-"

"Mikey, stop talking," Donny suddenly said. Mikey broke off and glanced at him, hurt.

"But-"

"Stop _talking_!" Donny insisted, interrupting him. "I was counting… you've had almost twice as many lines as the rest of us. Some people don't like a story that focuses too much on just one of us… we have to share the attention, and you've already had too much. Just stop talking for a minute and let the rest of us catch up."

"So, what?" Raph growled as Mikey crossed his arms and sat back, glowering. "The rest of us are just s'posed to talk meaninglessly just so we can get more _screen_ _time_? Dat's ridiculous!"

"That's the way it goes," Donny snapped. "Everyone has to be equal so it doesn't look like the author's favoring anyone, if you want all the readers to be happy."

"But she _is_ favoring someone!" Raph yelled. "She likes _you_ best, ain't ya figured that out? Everyone knows that by now!"

"Yeah, but everyone has a different favorite. We're trying to please _everyone_," Leo reminded him with a sigh. This was getting complicated, trying to keep all the rules straight. It seemed to him as though life would be much simpler if the authors could write what they wanted to, and the ones who didn't like it just… quietly read something else.

But, he was just a cartoon character. What did he know?

"Aw come on, we ain't really gonna sit here and do nothing, are we?" Raph sighed. "I mean, if they don't like anythin' the author wants us to do, why don't we just ask everyone else what _they'd_ rather see happen?"

"They'd never be able to agree on one thing," Leo pointed out. "There'd be so many different ideas coming in… geez, they could all write their _own_ stories. Hey, that's not a bad idea…"

"Well, maybe we could just give them a few options to chose from?" Donny mused. It seemed like a fair compromise-

"No can do," Leo said, shaking his head. "Then it becomes one of those "choose your own adventure" things… I'm pretty sure those aren't allowed here."

"Darn it, you're right." The purple-banded turtle rubbed his head in frustration. "No "choose your own" allowed. So it's up to the author."

"Can I talk again?" Mikey asked sourly from his spot on the couch. "You've all agreed _without_ me that the author has to be in charge of her own plotline. Have you _caught _up yet? I wanna join the conversation!"

"Fine!" Donny said. "But if someone flames this story-"

"No one's ever flamed Polaris yet," Leo pointed out. "and she's been writing for years. I'm pretty sure she could handle it without too much trouble, if they don't like this. Which is very likely… a lot of people can't take a joke and don't like parodies."

Raph snorted derisively. "If she ain't been flamed, then what da shell is she complainin' about? Why is she even _writin' _this?"

"Because," Leo snapped, glaring at Raph. "this isn't _about_ Polaris. It's for all the other writers who've had people be mean to them. She's just using this to make a point."

"Hey, _that'd_ be a great story!" Mikey grinned. "Polaris comes in to-"

"Surely you're joking," Leo said in exasperation. "Self-inserts? Are you _kidding_? People _always _complain about those, no matter how funny they are. She can't put herself into this. At least, not directly... she has to talk through us. What else is on the list?"

"No chapters that are only author's notes," Donny continued, chuckling a little at that one.

"What's so funny about that?" Raph wondered. Donny shook his head and gestured at the air around them.

"Well, when you consider what this story has been _about_… you just start to realize how many ways there are around these kinds of things. I mean, sure I agree with everything I've said…" Donatello paused, trying to wrap his head around that last line. "But this has all kind of been Polaris's opinion. See?"

"Wait…" Mikey said, scratching his head in confusion. "What are you saying? This is just one huge, 5-page-long author's note, cleverly disguised as a story?"

"_SHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!_" the other three hissed at him simultaneously. Mikey immediately shut up, glancing around and trying to look innocent.

Nobody immediately appeared with pitchforks and torches, so the guys breathed a sigh of relief. But it still hadn't solved the problem:

"I just don't see how any _one_ story is going to make _everyone_ happy, no matter _what_ it's about," Don said, feeling a surge of disappointment. He was already so tired of just sitting there…

"So we're gonna sit here and do_ nothin'_… _EVER?"_ Raph moaned. "We're stuck?"

"Hey, if you want to please everyone, you'll have to accept the fact that it's impossible," Leo snapped, not liking the situation any better. "This is the only way to avoid drama. Sitting here, not moving at all."

"But… no one wants to read about us sitting here, not moving at all, dudes," Mikey chirped up, thinking he'd found a loophole. The others glanced at each other, the sudden revelation hitting them full force.

"He's right…" Donny gasped. "No one's going to like this! Us just sitting around _talking_... there's no action. It's too boring! People don't like boring stories… that means Polaris can't be writing this! It doesn't please everyone!"

Leo blinked. "So… this story doesn't exist?"

There was a long silence as the four turtles glanced around in shock. Then there was a quiet blip as the entire scenario disappeared from existence in a paradoxical flash of logic, leaving absolutely nothing behind.

The End...

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_A/N: What can I say... subtlety is overrated... =D _


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